20 Reasons I’m Drinking Stupid-Good Coffee at Krystal Instead of Starbucks

20 Reasons I’ll drink my coffee at Krystal’s now

20 Reasons I’ll drink the Stupid-Good coffee at Krystal’s instead of Starbucks now that have nothing to do with their stupid-bad public reeducation campaign.

Before they built a Starbucks here in the rural North Florida town I live in a few years ago the fanciest place in town to go drink coffee was the IHOP out by the interstate.

But that was always full of a bunch of pale skinned Yankee tourists who had just come across the state line on I-75 headed for somewhere in South Florida, so nobody went there.

Then the Starbucks arrived, and suddenly coffee culture blossomed up here in pickup truck and mobile home country.

Somebody gave me a gift card to the place recently, and I used to go there a few times a week and sit out front working on my computer for a couple of hours while I downed a tall – excuse me, I mean a venti – coffee.

But that’s over now. If I can’t get a refund for the $30 still on the gift card I’ll just give it away to some homeless guy.

I’m a grown man and I don’t need some corporation giving me lectures about race like some new authoritarian liberal tax for drinking their overpriced coffee. Matter of fact, when you get down to it there are plenty of other places that serve coffee here in town, like Krystal’s.

Here are twenty other reasons I’ll be drinking my coffee at Krystal’s now instead of Starbucks:
Starbucks Hipsters

1) Less pretentious crowd. Starbucks draws posers like flies.

I never knew there were so many attorneys, impressarios, soccer moms, and teenage girls wearing too much perfume in this town until I started going there. And they all enter and strut around like they’re doing their cameo appearance for some reality show or something.

Krystal is working class people and retirees. Nobody is trying to get anybody’s attention, or show off their fashionable clothes. None of the Krystal women clomp in loudly in their high heels like the business professional types at Starbucks  letting everyone know they’ve just arrived.

2) More racially diverse clientele. Actually I really couldn’t care less whether I drink my coffee with black people, Asian people, white people, or some other variety of people, but if we’re going to start making an issue of it the crowd at Krystal is a lot more diverse than the one at Starbucks.

I probably wouldn’t have noticed it if Starbucks hadn’t decided to give me a big lecture and wag it’s finger in my face about my racial attitude, but since they did I noticed this morning that somewhere between 1/3 and 1/4 of the crowd at Krystals was black. They also have 3 black employees.

Starbucks is lucky if 1/10 of their clientele is black. Plus they only have one lonely black employee, and I think she’s just part time.

3) People talk to each other and are friendly in Krystal. Starbucks people seem to want to sit around and do important things on their phones.

4) Less, no, absolutely none of the prancing, preening, and posing that seems to be the reason half the people at Starbucks come there. The Krystal’s crowd is working class. They’re there to eat and socialize a little. Nobody’s trying to meet any chicks or get noticed in their new short skirt.

5) Nobody even thinks about race. We just eat food, drink coffee, read the paper, and talk. You go there enough, people will start to talk to you at Krystal’s.

At Starbucks everybody is too busy doing important things on their phones to talk to anybody they don’t already know.

6) More tables. Starbucks is set up to entertain the coffee crowd, and there’s one big table and a whole lot of those little two person tables.

Krystal’s is a restaurant with plenty of decent sized tables and comfortable chairs.

7) Better internet and no BS procedure to log on. Starbucks’ original claim to fame was the free internet, at least as far as I was concerned. But now you have to go through some BS where you go their web page and maybe watch an ad or something to use it half the time.

At Krystal’s you just sign on. And Krystal’s internet always works. For some unknown reason Starbucks doesn’t work half the time now.

8) Infinite refills of coffee at Krystals. OK, Starbucks may have better coffee than Krystal’s.

But I’m not sure it’s so much better that it’s worth paying double what the coffee is at Krystals. Besides, you can get as many free refills as you want at Krystals.

9) No pretentious names for the coffee sizes at Krystal’s. Large is large and small is small.

10) Krystal’s has low carb combo with scrambled eggs and sausage that you can get with coffee for not much more than just coffee at Starbucks

11) Krystal’s has friendly Southern feel. Not snooty Starbucks San Francisco attitude.

12) Girls who work at Krystal’s are nicer. They will talk to you if they aren’t busy – not jabber back and forth among themselves like you are furniture instead.

13) Krystal’s has a bell to ring on the way out to show you like the food and the service. And people ring it.

14) At Krystal’s, people who read the local paper fold it back up and leave it on the front counter for others to read it when they leave.

At Starbucks they hand out their own paper. It’s something about “race together” that they weren’t able to fit on one or two lines.

15) Krystal’s has two flat screen TVs, one with the weather and one with sports. Starbucks has none.

16) Not a single BMW or Lexus in the Krystal parking lot, but plenty of pickup trucks.

Starbucks is packed with luxury cars and high end SUV’s with canoes and bicycles strapped to the tops.

17) At Krystal’s they give you a little plastic thing with a number on it so you can go sit down and wait for your food until they bring it to you.

Starbucks makes you give them your name and then they write it on a cup, so you can stand around and wait until they call you to come push your way through the waiting crowd and get your crap at the counter.

18) Girls who work in Krystal are much nicer. Did I say that already?

19) Somebody always greets you when you walk into Krystal. Sure they probably tell them to do it, but they are nice about it anyway.

Starbucks ignores you while you go over and stand in line.

20) More than one toilet in Krystal and the door to the restroom doesn’t lock from the inside so people can go in there and tie the place up for 30 minutes at a time doing God only knows what, like at Starbucks.

Conclusion: If you’re looking for coffee in Lake City, Florida ( pop. 12,000) and don’t need a latte or a frappucino or one of those other Italian semi-coffee variants with lots of sugar and whipped cream and other confections added to it, and you don’t require a fancy cup and some fancy coffee beans, then go to Krystals.

Krystal’s has a new ad campaign for their food where they say

It’s so good, it’s stupid good.”
Stupid-good.

Yeah, that’s right. No thinking, racial angst, henpecking, or lectures with my coffee at Krystal’s.

It’s just an all round Stupid-Good place to eat and that’s good enough for me.
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